Yeah, i know that i haven't posted in like a week. Honestly, there hasn't been that much going on in my life. Climbing has been a bit of a disappointment to me recently and i had to quit. i have had so many thoughts running through my head about intrinsic vs. extrinsic motivations, grading, and the overall modern climbing scene.
When i started climbing, everything was pretty simple. Even then, my reasons for climbing were varied and shifting. i didn't really enjoy the process of climbing that much. i was the weakest climber that i've ever seen and i couldn't top out anything due to a serious fear of heights. While part of me simply wanted to rise to the challenge and overcome my limitations, another part of me wanted to get strong enough to climb as well as my friends.
After training in a truly terrible gym for the entirety of my first year of college, i moved back to Boone and tested my new abilities. It was a satisfying jump to a new level, and i was constantly excited by the features and holds on the stone that i could now use (even though i still couldn't figure out what to do with a sloper). At that point, motivations shifted again. Climbing was the best stress release throughout college. i would go to the gym if i was pissed off, and i would go climb outside if i just needed to relax and be distracted. Another motivator was becoming part of the climbing social scene at ASU. i found some new friends to climb with, and i wanted to become strong enough to be able to keep up with them. At this point, i made another jump and improved by a few grades very quickly. This was the turning point for what it meant to be a climber for me.
When i started climbing harder grades, i began to get caught up in the whirlwind of bullshit that comes with trying to "make it as a climber." Given my age, i knew my chances were very slim of being able to improve enough (quickly enough) to actually get sponsored, but deep down that's what i wanted. Making it to the next grade was the new prominent motivator for me (let me clarify: it wasn't really the grade that interested me, but the strength and ability to climb at higher grades). i don't think that grade-chasers should be looked down on as much as they are (unless they're on a serious ego trip), because it probably can't be helped. It isn't like it's a 'bad reason for climbing,' but i think it is unfortunate to have this as a motivator. The old satisfaction of climbing becomes more ephemeral, and a near manic-depression replaces it. Rockclimbing.com is no longer cool (i guess it never was very good, but it was sufficient for a time). 8a.nu scorecards replace the hand-written tick lists. Now it's all about who you know, who you like and who you hate (and in my opinion, there is a lot more hating and negativity than support and positivity) (or maybe not more, but still too much).
i finally gave up on climbing and decided to change my life's priorities. i was about to enter the real world to try and make some money, but i decided that i wanted one more season of climbing. Now i'm in Chattanooga and had the best season of climbing that i could imagine. Still, it wasn't enough. i'm still not good enough to get a sponsor, and i am struggling to find a sense of why i climb any more. i was hoping that something amazing would happen to me while i was here and give me some direction. i don't even know what i was expecting, but it didn't happen. i don't have a job or money. i don't know what i'm doing and i feel pretty much alone.
Even though this is how i feel now, it goes back to what i referred to earlier with the pseudo manic-depressive attitude. i may feel this way tomorrow, or i may feel completely fine and look back at everything i've written with mild shock and bemusement.
i know that i don't really want to give up on climbing. Maybe another change of scenery is all i need to raise my spirits. Chattanooga certainly did the trick for me for a while, but i feel like i have to get out of here now. i'm still not sure if i can commit to a real job yet. Improving as a climber gives me the most satisfaction, and i'm not sure if i would be able to improve if i had a career. Damn i'm getting old!
i've gone out climbing a few times since i quit, and had a pretty good time. i did my first slab climbs in about 5 years, and a few other climbs that weren't on my list! Here are a few pictures, and i may even post a video soon.
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